I do the minimum, and often less than that, especially when it is something I do not enjoy, or when something does not meet my expectations. I can't seem to find the energy, motivation, or time to push myself further. I feel like I am struggling to survive. My dislike of the system of grading discourages me from focusing on learning. Instead of enjoying learning, I am beating myself up over grades. My short term view and long term view never seem to coincide. I try to set goals for myself, but I feel like the people who are really in charge of my time are my boss, teachers and classes, and my parents. At the end of the day, I have no time to pursue something meaningful to myself. I took a risk by going out on a limb and taking a class that I thought would be good for me. I ended up having to drop the class, and I'm still struggling with my studies. I love learning, but I'm not good at school. I guess I'm doing what's easy, at least that's what I feel like I'm supposed to say, even though it feels like what I'm doing is very hard. I've always been pretty good at doing things right the first, second or third time, so I get frustrated when I struggle with things. I always wait until the last minute because it seems that I can't find time to live a healthy life and complete tasks ahead of time. I am always anxious about everything I have to do because I do not have confidence that I can get it done in time. If I get it done in time, it is never my best work and that is disappointing. I am a perfectionist, and, as a result, I never finish anything because I get frustrated. I'm seeing my friends and family less and less, and not by choice. I hate my ideas and I hate my writing.
As for positives, I am being more mindful of how I treat others and I am trying to be the best person I can. I am doing very well in two classes, one of which I care deeply about. I am becoming a resource to others when they need help. I am very confident in my technical ability when it comes to production and post-production. I'm trying hard to find the positives in each day, especially when I'm unhappy.
I guess all I can do is keep going.
I would like to enjoy learning again. Photo found on Laura's Growth Mindset Memes Blog,
here.
Oh hun… No one is ever in charge of your time, but yourself. I know it seems like that is not the truth, but it is. I understand being pulled in a million different directions is highly stressful (trust me I have been there and sometimes I’m still there). You can do it though! I have faith in you and I think your writing is good, your very good at portraying people in your stories and your fluidity is great!
ReplyDeleteHey Thorpe. I can sympathize with you here on this. I spent the first couple years of college trying to do what other people thought was best for me. Listening to my teachers as if they were the gospel never asking questions to commands set out by my parents or my boss. It is terrible. And you are right, it is hard to actually be in charge of yourself. But if you are able to finally cut your ties and recognize that no one owns you but yourself, life will be so much better.
ReplyDeleteHey, I can relate to some of these things for sure. People are constantly needing something from us and it gets really old. The requirement of money to lead a happy life is the biggest lie ever propagated in my opinion. Yeah, it may be easier, but by no means will superficial things make you any happier in life. Gotta do something that you enjoy, which I have been wrestling with.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with what you are saying here. People always want something in return for they do and it is aggravating that our culture has come to this. Money is not the answer and I think we need to realize that.
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