"That's okay," she thought to herself. "Tonight is going to be a good night." She climbed four flights of stairs and walked into a messy studio apartment, threw down her keys, and started cleaning. She had big plans for the night and needed to prepare. Aimee had lots of friends to call to extend an invite for the night's gathering.
With a phone tucked between her ear and shoulder, Aimee began to call all the friends she could think of, while putting away various laundry strewn about the tiny apartment. "Jill?!" Aimee said as she pulled a sock from under the bed. "Do you think you can make it to my place tonight for a party?"
"Umm," stammered Jill, "I will try, but work has been crazy lately, and my boss has us working like 80 hours a week. He was pretty mad earlier, so it looks like I'm in for a long night."
"Oh, okay. I'm sorry," responded Aimee. "I hope you don't get kept too late! I'd love to see you!"
"Yeah, me too. We're just really swamped here. I'll let you know!"
"Okay, later, Jill," said Aimee.
Next, Aimee called her friend George. "Hi George! It's Aimee."
"Hi Aimee, what's up?" said George.
"Oh just tidying up," replied Aimee. "I'm having a party tonight, do you think you could make it?"
"That sounds like fun, but I got into a car accident today, and I'm still feeling a little light-headed," he stated nonchalantly. "The doctor said I should take it easy tonight."
"Oh that's terrible! Are you alright?" said Aimee. "You should definitely stay home tonight, I understand."
"Yeah, I'll be alright," said George. "Have a good party. Talk to you later."
Aimee hung up, and she was starting to feel discouraged. She stopped scrubbing the kitchen and decided to try another phone call.
"Hey Tiffany, how's it going?" Aimee said hopefully.
"Hey Aimee! Things are good here. What's going on with you?" replied Tiffany.
"I'm getting ready to host a party. Do you have plans tonight?" she asked desperately.
"Oh shoot, I'm supposed to have a date tonight. We are getting drinks at Clubhouse. I mean, you could join us if you want."
"That's alright," said Aimee. "I'm happy for you! We can get together another time I guess."
"Sounds good, Aimee. Wish me luck!"
"Good luck," replied a despondent Aimee, and she hung up.
"Why doesn't anyone want to come to my party? None of my friends care about me," Aimee sobbed to herself. Suddenly, her phone started to ring.
"Hello?" answered Aimee as she wiped away tears.
"Hey Aimee, it's me, Truman, your friend!" Truman boomed through the earpiece.
"Truman! I'm having an awful time. No one wants to come to my party!" she cried.
"Oh nonsense, who needs them anyway?" he replied sympathetically. "Why don't you come outside? I'm here to pick you up. Let's go have a drink."
"Truman, I knew I could count on you!" she exclaimed.
She ran downstairs and gleefully hopped into Truman's car. "Where should we go?" she asked.
"I've got a place in mind," said Truman confidently.
She smiled, and off they drove. They drove for about ten minutes before Truman pulled into a parking spot in front of a house. "I've got to grab some things from a business associate. Would you mind coming in? It will only take a minute," he said.
"This isn't what I had in mind, but alright," she responded.
They walked up to the door, and Truman held the door for Aimee to enter first.
"SURPRISE!!" shouted a cheerful group of people as Aimee entered the house. She was quite startled and gave out a little scream. She looked around for half a moment, trying to gather her bearings. She realized that Jill, George, and Tiffany were gathered in front of the crowd, and this was a birthday party for Aimee.
"I thought you'd all forgotten my birthday! You had me fooled!"
"How could we forget our lovely friend Aimee's birthday?!" responded George.
"Happy birthday Aimee!" exclaimed Jill.
"Let's cut some cake," suggested Tiffany.
And they proceeded to have the best time they had ever had together. The End.
Photo, Party, was found on Wikipedia, and link to Wikimedia here.
Author's Note: This story was based on The Hare with Many Friends in Aesop's Fables. In The Hare with Many Friends a very popular hare is in dire need of some assistance, but all five of the friends he asks for help conjure up excuses, and the hare perishes. Aimee represents the hare in this story. However, I wanted this story to have a happy ending, so her friends blow her off with made-up excuses, and then surprise her with a birthday party. The name Aimee comes from French, and means 'beloved friend,' and Truman, meaning 'loyal,' is the name I chose for her friend that doesn't forget about her. However, we find out that no one forgot, and they have a great time. The friends all came up with excuses just like the friends in The Hare with Many Friends. In this case, it was a good thing. I really wanted to toy with the reader's emotions. I hoped to lead the reader down a dark path, and make them feel that this is a terribly sad story. Much like life, however, sometimes days that start off terribly can end really positively. I was a little inspired by the movie "Sixteen Candles," on which I based the idea of it being the main character's birthday and people close to her 'forget' about it. (Let's be honest though) With Facebook Birthday reminders, no one really forgets birthdays anymore. So for the sake of this story, no one checks their Facebook account that day.
Bibliography: The Hare with Many Friends, from Joseph Jacob's The Fables of Aesop. Found here.
Thorpe, I was confused when I started reading your story, much like Aimee. Your tittle "Aimee with the Good Friends" led me to believe Aimee would be having different adventures with her many friends. Like Aimee I wondered why none of her friends wanted to spend time with her. Your use of dialogue allowed me as the reader to experience what Aimee was feeling. Along with Aimee I was pleasantly surprised that her friends were waiting to celebrate her birthday with her. I enjoyed reading your story and taking the journey with Amiee.
ReplyDeleteI was a little thrown off at the beginning with the mentioning of Aimee’s birthday and the party photo. Mainly because the title led me to believe something completely different. Luckily, it’s an easy fix if you wish to do so. I like the modernization of your story I think your rather good at creating something modern out of a classic. I hope you continue on that path because it really makes easier to read (as if I have read the original), it also makes it more relatable.
ReplyDeleteThe location of your photo is an odd place, it makes it look like it was an afterthought Including it during the initial surprise or even including a few more photos to give a face to each situation will really heighten your story. I really did like what you wrote, I can relate to your lead character really well (seeing as my last birthday wasn’t the best ever, but it got better a little later). Really great job at making likable characters! : )
I really like the changes you decided to made to this story, and it’s great that you thought out the character’s names and gave them a specific meaning! I also think you did well in being descriptive and with your dialog. The conversations felt natural. I felt bad for Aimee in the beginning, but it made me happy whenever her friends threw her a suprise party!
ReplyDeleteOne thing I notice that you could fix was the sentence where Truman starts talking. He says “its me, Truman, your friend” and I think you might consider taking the “your friend” part out? I think the reader can already assume that he’s Aimee’s friend. You also said “its” when it should be “it’s.”
Great job, and good luck with the rest of your portfolio!
Your story I really great and I enjoyed reading it. I think your use of dialogue is very good and it was really easy to feel Aimee's disappointment in none of her friends wanting to attend her party. I do wonder if it might be best to mention it's her birthday and that is why she planning a party for herself in the beginning of the story. I was a little thrown off by the title as I thought she would having adventures with her friends, which I guess she did! I would have also enjoyed more descriptions of the party, perhaps she could have more dialogue with the friends about how surprised she was and how she really bought everyone forgot her?
ReplyDeleteI also thought that maybe she should have sent out invites for her party before the day of. I feel most people would plan a birthday im advance. Maybe no one could respond her invites and then when she called they give all the excuses you mentioned in your story?
Overall you wrote an amazing, entertaining story!
Thorpe,
ReplyDeleteI’m so happy for Aimee! Throughout the whole story I was thinking “why didn’t Aimee plan this party more in advance?” and “what is this party even for?!” only to find out that it was for her birthday! I’m so glad her friends ended up following through for her! I really like the simplicity of this story, and think the dialogue really helps paint a realistic picture of how Aimee is feeling throughout the story. I know I’ve been in her shoes a few times before! I did see a couple of things you may consider looking over or altering, if you see fit. The first sentence of your story seems to run on a bit long, and slightly confused me the first time I read it. Perhaps you could find a way to make it two sentences instead of one? Also, you may be able to combine Aimee’s first two internal dialogues using a comma instead of a period after “she thought to herself”. One last thing: in the first paragraph, you may try to avoid using “plans” and “planning” in the same sentence if you can help it. Overall I think you did a nice job at this story. I especially love that you used names with specific meanings for some of the characters. It really adds a deeper, almost secret second meaning to the story! It’s awesome!
Hey Thorpe,
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you made this story more modern. Most people have probably gone through this once or felt this way before. The story started off with her friends coming up with excuses to not attend her party. As I was reading, I knew something good had to happen because of the title. One friend invited her out and I was still as surprised as Aimee when I figured out they had planned a surprise birthday party for her. I think the dialogue you incorporated in your story really helped in telling the story as well. I think it would be interesting if you added more of a background story to this. You could also start the story off a the beginning of the day or even the day before.
Overall, I enjoyed reading you story!
You had a lot of solid points with this story. For one, you built the tension very well! I think we've all felt one time or another like Aimee when our friends are all busy doing something else.
ReplyDeleteWhile a lot of the dialogue was very good and realistic, some of it could be improved. Let me give you some examples.
"Hey Aimee, it's me, Truman, your friend"
-Truman using the word "your friend" makes it seem like he's saying it because he doesn't believe it or he's trying to convince Aimee it's true.
"How could we forget our lovely friend Aimee's birthday?!"
-This time I don't think many people would use her name. I think if you're talking to someone it's more natural to use "your" here.
Also this line is a bit strange:
"She realized that Jill, George, and Tiffany were gathered in front of the crowd, and this was a birthday party for Aimee. "
-Does Aimee think about herself in the third-person?
In general, you did a good job showing Aimee's emotions throughout the story. Her dialogue matched how she was feeling, which changed a lot throughout the story and it really shined through.
Hey Thorpe!
ReplyDeleteThis was a really fun story. I haven't read the story you based it on, but I think you did a really good job regardless. I like that you changed it to a happy ending. I didn't really know where the story was going at first, but it all came together so nicely with the surprise party at the end. I think you've got your readers feeling the same way Aimee did. It's also really cool that you put so much work into choosing the character names. I've never thought about doing that. I always just use whatever names pop into my head! I might have to try this in the future. It adds a lot of depth to your story. My only critique is that sometimes your dialog sounds a little awkward. I always try to use contractions whenever I can in dialog because I think it sounds more natural and casual. Maybe you could try that! Anyway, I thought it was an awesome story overall and I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff!
Hey Thorpe! This story really surprised me at the end! You definitely succeeded in making me feel like it was a sad story that would stick to the original ending, but then surprised me with a happy ending, which I love. I think the happy ending you gave gives this story much more meaning and moral and makes the reader feel a lot more optimistic at the end. The modern look at the old story is great too, and I think this story is in good shape! I don't really see any revisions that need to be made, and I'm sure you have made a lot already. The only recommendation I have is that there seems to be a lot of dialogue and a little description, you could add some more descriptive paragraphs to chop up the dialogue. I think this portfolio is looking good and I'm excited to read your other stories and revisions!
ReplyDeleteI could definitely see the similarities to The Hare With Many Friends. That is actually the first thing that popped into my head as I started reading. I thought your adaptation was great. It was unique and happy and did a great job toying with my emotions, so your goal worked! Your author's note was great and I found it quite comical that you mentioned Facebook notifications in it. You make an excellent point that it's hard to forget birthdays nowadays, so I thought that was a nice touch. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteHi Thorpe! Okay, not gonna lie, I opened this because of your title. I love the Beyonce reference! It seriously cracked me up. Your Author’s Note is so true. I seriously wouldn’t know about anyone’s birthday without Facebook! I really like this story because it has such a sweet ending! You kept it light and easy to read, which I really enjoyed. You also did an awesome job of describing everything! It was really fun to imagine her walking into a surprise party with all of her best friends. I think your portfolio is going to turn out really nicely if you have sweet stories like these! It is always fun to read a happy ending, because a lot of the stories in this class are kind of sad. I can’t wait to read more of your work! Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteThorpe! First off, I love your name it is very unique. Second, I enjoyed reading your story Aimee with the Good Friends.
ReplyDeleteI thought the layout of your portfolio was new and different. I too made a portfolio and didn’t think about putting in images for each of my stories in my index. Great addition.
The title Aimee with the Good Friends caught my attention because I have a friend name Aimee with the same spelling. It’s not everyday someone spells it like that. I loved the introduction this story because it’s very relatable to me as I have lived in New York City (and will be moving back there in a month) and I know what it’s like to clean a tiny apartment and hike up 6 flights of stairs to do so.
I thought the edits you made to the original The Hare with Many Friends were great. I enjoyed the happy ending and the celebration of friends. I also LOVE the movie “Sixteen Candles” and can totally see how that movie inspires this story. Great job, can’t wait to read more of your stories!!